We all have our favorite quotes. By far, the one that has stuck with me the most, and that I think of most often is one I heard the first time from Tony Robbins at an Unleash the Power Within weekend. I don't think he was the original "author" but I attribute it to him as it's his voice I hear when I think of it.
Being listened to is so close to being loved that most people cannot tell the difference.
This week, I hosted the 2nd annual Inspiration Awards for the Chicago Chapter of Over 40 Females. It is definitely my favorite event of the year. I can't plan for all the fun crazy moments that come out of the little awards I make up based on what I hear over the year.
Only this past year was it brought to my attention that this is my gift. I hear people say they things they don't even say out loud. I don't claim to have any magical ability or anything, I just think I pay more attention than most people.
I'm so thankful that I learned the art and skill of active listening so that I can be fully present in the company of some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It is amazing what you can learn and appreciate from those around you if you only stop to listen.
Listening tips which are great this time of year (and pretty much always) when you're at lots of parties and gatherings.
1. Let go of your agenda.
2. Stop waiting for a moment to share that great story, the moment will come or it won't.
3. Don't look over the other person's shoulder at everything else going on in the room.
4. Allow yourself to take in what the other person is sharing with you, all of it. The words, the tone, the timber, the thoughts and the emotions behind it. People say SO much more than the mere words convey, it's easy to miss half the conversation if you're not focused.
My immediate family is pretty small. I have 1 sister, my Mother has 1 sister and my Father has 2 brothers and a half brother. When I was growing up, I had the joyful blessing of spending the holidays with my extended family.
My maternal Grandma was one of 8 siblings, and most of those had more than 2 children, so my Mother has loads of cousins. I had the extreme blessing of my Great Grandma until I was 18 years of age (something rather unheard of) and so until she passed, we had a huge family holiday celebration at her home.
For me, that came to define the holidays. Family. Optimally, lots of family crammed in a home that just barely large enough to contain them all.
After my Great Grandma passed away, the celebrations got smaller as we didn't get together with my Mom's cousins any longer, but now I had 2 cousins and we still had that warm family feeling. Over the years, we had a few different iterations of inviting friends that were like family to join one holiday meal or another.
Time changes as all things do, and I remain the "last man standing" in the midwest as all the rest of the family have moved to warmer climates. Luckily, I have the new blessing of my husband's family which is robust on both his Mom's and his Dad's side. We still have a holiday meal filled with family around a table where you're bumping elbows with your neighbor and making bad jokes.
But I always think back to those Holidays at Grandma Brieschke's. I long for the whole family to be in one place, and I wish that things didn't have to change. My Mom and Sister tend to be the weepy ones in the family, but every year around this time, I find myself getting misty at warm family movies and commercials.
What comes up for you around the Holidays? I'd love to hear your stories!
Here in the midwest, we're pretty solidly into fall. Meaning the temps are getting lower, the colors of the leaves are mostly changed and the leaves themselves are starting to fall.
This is my favorite time of year, as I am a fan of the cooler temps, although we've had more rain than I like. This past week, I really noticed what a difference the sun makes. On back to back days, the temp was the same - between 60 and 65.
The first day, I was perfectly comfortable in a t-shirt, and even a little warm in jeans.
The second day, I was down right chilly in a sweatshirt.
What was the difference? The sun!
The first day was a clear sunny day and the second was overcast.
For whatever reason, I really took notice of this.
I will never advocate a false attitude appearance, and don't want you to feel like I'm suggesting a Pollyanna perspective, but think about how this applies to so many areas of your life.
Where can you bring more sunshine? The same circumstance can appear, sound, feel and even taste different in the bright yummy warm light of the sun.
Those of you that know me "in real life" know that I am genuinely a happy, positive person. A lot of people who know me add a lot of superlatives to that description.
This isn't fake, it isn't forced, it isn't an act, it is genuinely who and how I am.
Most of the time
But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm not amazing, spectacular, outstanding or fabulous. And the rub is that I honestly feel like that's not OK.
Like many of us, this leads me down the path of not listening to my own advice. I can clearly hear my own voice talking to friends, family and colleagues and telling them that sometimes they owe it to themselves to feel how they feel for the moment (just don't wallow there). Also like many of us, I feel intense pressure and responsibility to not allow myself to do just this.
Years ago, early in my employment with ADP, there was a guy in my department, a really toxic guy. They sat him right next to me. After some time, I realized this guy was having a negative impact on me, my attitude, etc. I went to my supervisor and explained this, and that I really enjoyed my job, and didn't want that to change and could they please move one of us. My supervisor actually said to me, "You are the most up beat positive person on the team, imagine how he would impact anyone else. I can't move you away from him."
We all fall into roles. Roles where we not only feel obligated, but feel responsible for others around us.
I've fallen into a role where I lift up those around me. It's a GREAT role. I love it, most of the time, I do it without even thinking about it, without giving it any effort or energy, it simply is how I am.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like being a little selfish. I feel like feeling crappy. And I kind of feel like I'm not allowed. Don't misunderstand me. This is completely, 100% self-imposed. This is nothing that anyone around me would ever say or even think.
I share it with you today because I think I'm not alone. It may not be this exact situation for you, but I think we all fall into roles where we tell ourselves that it's more important for us to do x for this person or that person that it is to do what we know we need to do for ourselves.
And the truth of it all is that is what is not OK.
It's not selfish to honor yourself.
We've all heard the saying "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
Life has its own agenda, and it doesn't make reservations. You don't often get a heads up for the little hiccups that get thrown in on your journey.
As with everything, your perspective makes all the difference. Stuff comes up that you have to deal with whether you are ready or not.
Years ago, my husband and I coined our own little phrase, on an adventure, for when we got lost. We'd say, we're not lost, we're on an adventure! Accordingly, we'd thoroughly enjoy our unplanned exploration.
This past week, we found ourselves on a new adventure. After getting some water in our basement, in my office of course, during the flash flood rains, we noted a distinct musty odor. We set out to remove a small portion of the carpet in my office, quickly realizing that we needed to pull all of the carpet out of the office.
--- Our house was built in the 60's and the previous owner fancied himself somewhat of a handyman. Unfortunately he took lots of short cuts and we always find shoddy workmanship when we take stuff apart.
Next we find we need to take down the paneling and then, to our dismay, find we need to take out an entire wall between my office and our bar. Demolition of the entire room was not on the plan or in our time or money budget.
But life doesn't make reservations.
My computer has been offline since Saturday and we're working on some temporary work conditions as this weekend project won't be quite finished in the time we originally planned.
Your perspective makes all the difference...
As I sit with a glass of wine, stressing about the much bigger project than we had planned, my amazing husband says. "Man, this is going to be awesome! I'm so excited about actually having your office done right! It will be so much lighter in there with dry wall and you won't have any more Brady Bunch paneling!"
It's going to happen. Life is going to throw stuff at you. Challenging stuff. Scary stuff. You don't get to plan for it. You don't get to budget time, effort, energy or money for lots of little surprises.
But you do get to choose your perspective.
Many of you know I recently returned from my annual vacation. Some of us call it a family reunion, some call it a concert, some call it a festival, some call it a pilgrimage.
We've been going for about 14 years now, and have made some of the best friends in our lives from, literally, all over the world. We can't wait each year to see one another. A couple times, we even put together a "mid-year trip" just so that we could see each other before having to wait the whole year.
In an interview with one of the band members that played this year, he said " When is another time in the world when I would be able to hang out with an obstetrician from Alabama, a half-Brazilian booking agent from Connecticut...? We have very little in common except for the fact that we love this sort of music... it's like a warm, fuzzy place."
While it not a vacation with a lot of sleep and rest, it is definitely an amazing rejuvenation of a completely different sort. A week that starts with hugs, hugs and more hugs. A week of complete divorce from reality. No TV, no social media, no email. A week of connecting. A week of laughing until your face, ribs and stomach ache.
I come home feeling new again. Feeling like a computer after a reboot.
What do you do that completely reboots your system? When do you give yourself the chance to disconnect from tasks, lists, responsibilities, worries, etc etc etc?
I'd love to hear how you rejuvenate yourself. What do you do or use to divorce yourself from your daily constraints, how often and what difference do you see after?
Communication.
We do/use it every day. Sometimes, things become so obvious to us, so taken for granted that we assume everyone is operating from the same basic understanding that we are, the same starting point.
But, that is not always the case.
A great example is an old riddle...
There is a bit of water and broken glass on the floor. George and Gracie are dead. How did they die?
In an attempt to solve this riddle, you offer many solutions, you also have many questions. As with all murder investigations, the important first detail is the identity of the victim or victims.
Most people begin to solve this riddle (assuming you haven't heard it before) with the same basic assumption; that George and Gracie are people. In fact, this basic assumption sends you down a path of thinking that will direct you away from the solution.
George and Gracie are goldfish. They died because their tank (bowl) broke.
Often times in our daily communication, we believe that others around us are operating from the same basic assumptions that we are when, in fact, they may not be.
Equally often, we may form half a thought in our head and communicate the rest of the thought without even realizing the first half no one heard but us.
A brilliant step in clear, connected communication is making sure that your audience is absolutely on the same page that you are. This is true whether you are speaking to a group, an auditorium or one individual.
Can you think of places where you have run into a misunderstanding based on faulty basic assumptions? I know I can!
Keep this in mind this week when you're communicating and make sure you are saying what you mean to be saying.
