Friday, October 16, 2015

It's not OK that it's not OK

Those of you that know me "in real life" know that I am genuinely a happy, positive person. A lot of people who know me add a lot of superlatives to that description. 
This isn't fake, it isn't forced, it isn't an act, it is genuinely who and how I am. 

Most of the time

But sometimes, just sometimes, I'm not amazing, spectacular, outstanding or fabulous. And the rub is that I honestly feel like that's not OK. 

Like many of us, this leads me down the path of not listening to my own advice. I can clearly hear my own voice talking to friends, family and colleagues and telling them that sometimes they owe it to themselves to feel how they feel for the moment (just don't wallow there). Also like many of us, I feel intense pressure and responsibility to not allow myself to do just this. 

Years ago, early in my employment with ADP, there was a guy in my department, a really toxic guy. They sat him right next to me. After some time, I realized this guy was having a negative impact on me, my attitude, etc. I went to my supervisor and explained this, and that I really enjoyed my job, and didn't want that to change and could they please move one of us. My supervisor actually said to me, "You are the most up beat positive person on the team, imagine how he would impact anyone else. I can't move you away from him."

We all fall into roles. Roles where we not only feel obligated, but feel responsible for others around us. 

I've fallen into a role where I lift up those around me. It's a GREAT role. I love it, most of the time, I do it without even thinking about it, without giving it any effort or energy, it simply is how I am. 

But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like being a little selfish. I feel like feeling crappy. And I kind of feel like I'm not allowed. Don't misunderstand me. This is completely, 100% self-imposed. This is nothing that anyone around me would ever say or even think. 

I share it with you today because I think I'm not alone. It may not be this exact situation for you, but I think we all fall into roles where we tell ourselves that it's more important for us to do x for this person or that person that it is to do what we know we need to do for ourselves. 

And the truth of it all is that is what is not OK.

It's not selfish to honor yourself.  

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